I've lost everything
by Lololova
Summary: Small one shot set druing 2x18 when Castle offers Kate to sleep at his place after the bomb explosion.


Kate Beckett follows her partner home to his loft as if on autopilot. She can't believe she's off the case, can't believe she was _ordered_ to go home when she… doesn't… have one, anymore. Of course her partner would jump in, she'd seen the empathy and care in his eyes when he stood up to her saying she sure as hell did have a home to go to. And no matter how much that had upset her, it had also made her heart go all warm inside. She knows they've grown closer, of course she knows, but that doesn't mean she's accepted it quite yet. Now, walking through the front door that he's holding up to her she's still not really sure how she ended up accepting his offer. Her instinct would normally kick in and bite off that she'd go stay at her father's apartment, but somehow she just couldn't deny his sweet offer. Maybe it was his guilt. She'd seen that too, ever since this case started giving clear evidence this whole thing started by the character he based on her. It's not his fault, and she thinks she's tried telling him, or at least tried showing him. In her own kind of private way.

She takes off her shoes, hangs up her NYPD jacket and follows him with practically nothing but her phone. A clear thought tells her she's still in shock, that she hasn't quite realized what's happened the last couple of hours, the last days. In the peripheral sight she can see her partner looking at her and when she's adjusting her eyes to him she realizes he's said something and she has no clue as to what.

"Huh?" she hums and he looks like he's worried. _Shit_.

"You okay, Beckett?" he asks and she shakes her head before nodding.

"Yeah, I'm fine," she says as she's running her hand through her hair, trying to avoid his gaze.

It feels like he wants to say something more. As if he wants to argue with her, find out what's wrong, but to her outmost surprise he doesn't push.

"Okay, you want some coffee?" He lets go of the topic as if it isn't that important and she's never seen him so careful. As if he's afraid to push her away, maybe he's thinking she will leave as soon as she's found a reason to.

_Normally she probably would_.

"No, thanks, I think I'm going to bed," she says and hopes she's signaling she wants to know where the guest room is.

"Oh sure! Of course! This way," he says and starts leading towards the stairs.

She immediately follows him, they go through a small corridor before they stop at a door which he opens and gestures for her to go inside first. As she goes inside she takes notes on how big it is, a lot bigger than she thinks normal guest rooms are. _Then again_, he _is_ a famous write so he's probably made sure his guests can be as comfortable as his family.

The queen sized bed looks so good Kate has a sudden urge to just throw herself onto it and fall asleep without any care in the world.

"Do you have any clothes to sleep in?" His voice breaks through her thoughts and she snaps her eyes to his blues.

Her reality suddenly hits her. _No_, she doesn't have any clothes to sleep in. _No_, she doesn't have a tooth brush. _No_, she doesn't have anything left. Everything is gone. _Every little thing she owns is gone_. And without any warning she feels the hot water dripping down her cheeks, feels her shoulders slump in defeat and her knees wobble at the reality hitting her.

"Beckett?! You okay?" his voice is close but she can't see him, her eyes closing due to the blurry vision from the tears. "Beckett?" he asks again when she doesn't answer but she just can't. Her arms goes around her body to try and hold herself together. "Kate," her first name on his tongue has her insides still a little and then, when she feels his arms go around her, she lets herself go. Her fingers are clenching around him and into the shirt at his back as she's accepting his hug, holding him in a fast grip as she's crying into his broad chest.

He's simply letting her. He's hugging her, tight but not too tight, his head leaning on her hair, his mouth both hushing and whispering promises about how everything is going to be okay. She doesn't know why but his whispers soothes her, his hug mending her back together, the feel of his lips feathering kisses into her hair makes her feel safe. _At home_. Maybe she hasn't lost everything, after all.

"I've got you, it's okay, I've got you, I'm here, just let it all out," he whispers and she tightens her grip on his shirt, not wanting to ever let go.

For a few more minutes that's the only thing they do, her letting herself break apart for the first time during this damn case, and him hugging her back together while continuing to soothe her. When she's out of tears, and can feel herself in more control again, she carefully loses her grip on his shirt and starts to pull away softly. He immediately lets go, even if she can feel the reluctance he's definitely not going to invade her privacy, her choice. She starts wiping her face to get rid of the tears as he stands awkwardly in front of her, not knowing what to do or say.

"Thanks," she breaks the silence with her raspy gratitude hoping he knows how much she means it.

"Always," he says and at first she thinks it's a weird way to answer but shrugs it off as him being a writer. "So, I'm guessing you want to borrow something to sleep in?" The question is filled with uncertainty, as if he halfway expects her to break down again.

She bites her lower lip. "Well, if it isn't too much to ask for then I wou…"

"Of course not! Just wait here, I'll go get you something," he says and is gone before she has the time to answer or even register what he's said.

She feels her arms slowly go up and around her body, trying to figure out what just happened. Never before has she let anyone see her break down other than her parents. Not the way she just broke down in front of him.

It didn't take long before he was back with a red shirt and grey sweatpants in his hands, extending them out to her he smiled apologetic. "I think both are way too big but at least it's something," he shrugs carefully and she accepts the clothes he's willing to give her.

"Castle, it-it's perfect, thank you," she says as she feels the soft material on her fingers.

He smiles a bit, his eyes searching hers as she's staring into his deep blues. It feels as though she's just now realizing how beautiful they are, how easily she could drown in them if she just gave herself the chance.

"Is there anything else I can help you with? I mean, is there anything else you need?" he asks and she thinks about it before answering that a toothbrush is the only thing she needs.

Once he's gotten her a toothbrush she senses his hesitation, sees how his whole body language tells her he wants to stay with her but his mind telling him he should leave her alone. His hesitation makes her think about it all, think about how his presence keeps her feeling safe. How he immediately jumped to help her when she said she had no home. She can't stop thinking about all the feelings he stirred up inside her every time he smiled at her or handed her coffee every morning.

"I'm… sorry," she suddenly hears herself saying.

"For what?" he questions with raised eyebrows.

She bites her inner cheek, looking down at the floor in front of her feet. "My breakdown, and the trespassing, I'll check into a hotel tomorrow." Her voice isn't exactly strong but she can tell he hears what she's saying because he's immediately shaking his head.

"No, stay here, I can help you from here." His eyes shows her just how guilty he feels and she runs her hand through her hair.

"It's not your fault, Castle. You know that," she says on a small sigh and he nods his head.

"If I hadn't based Nikki on you then…"

"Then he would've just focused his obsession on someone else. Come on, Rick, you know this. Killers don't just become killers from something as simple as a book or the person behind a character, there has to be something else creating that part of them."

"Yeah, but it almost k… hurt you."

She shrugs her shoulders, "It's part of my job." When she sees his sceptical look she looks down again, sighing deep. "It's not ideal, but I'm… I'm okay. Just a little shaken. And tired."

When she mentions her need for sleep he immediately starts to back off, tells her he'll leave her for the night and they both say good night before he actually leaves. She's about to call him back, tell him she doesn't want him to leave her alone, but she stops herself. They're not like that. They don't talk about things like that. She thinks of all the things she's told him that she doesn't just tell anybody and looks down at her feet with her lower lip between her teeth. _Maybe they were starting to become like that_.

She looks up at the closed door for a few more seconds before she turns to the adjoining guest bathroom to prepare for bed.

* * *

She can feel it burn before she sees it. Sees the fire and feels the heat touching her skin. The flames are licking her arms and legs and it _terrifies_ her that she can't seem to put it out. She tries to pat it out, tries to smother the fire with beats and blows but nothing seems to work. The scream leaving her lips doesn't sound like her, because it's too scared, and it's not like her to be _scared_.

"Kate?" she hears his voice before she sees him and when her eyes land on him she feels her heart stop.

_He's on fire too. _She runs towards him, or at least she tries. It feels as though some invisible force is holding her back, refusing to let her save her partner from the same death she's about to face. She starts calling out to him, screaming his name for him to see that she's on her way.

"Kate?!" he calls out for her and she tries to run faster.

Kate feels the ground shaking and falls down, her hands catching her body against the ground. The ground doesn't stop shaking though and no matter how hard she tries to get up, find her balance, she can't. He keeps calling her name and she rumbles around and suddenly finds herself wrestling someone in bed, light catching in her eyes making her unable to see anything at the moment.

"Kate, calm down, you're safe," his soothing voice is the first thing that gets through to her, that makes her hands and feet go still as she takes in the scene she's in.

_It was a nightmare_. _Just a nightmare_. She's panting but starts taking deeper breaths as soon as she realizes her hysterical breathing. She feels his grip on her shoulders lessen as her eyes catches his blues observing her.

"That must've been one hell of a nightmare," he whispers as one of his hands lets go only to cradle his jaw in a soothing kind of way.

She feels her heart pick up in speed somewhat again, her eyes wide as she feels guilt in her stomach and she sits up with her back against the wall.

"Did I hit you?" she asks even though she's already sure of the answer.

"It's fine," he shrugs and lets his second hand slip away from her shoulder as he relaxes in his seated position on her bed. _His guest bed_. "You got quite the aim in your sleep though." He grins but Kate looks down in shame.

"'M sorry," she mumbles. She feels his eyes on her and she can't help but wonder what he sees.

"Hey," he says soothingly and doesn't continue until she's looking up at him. "Don't worry about it, I didn't exactly have the best sleep either. It's how I ended up hearing your panic."

She gives him a questioning gaze and she can tell he's embarrassed by something because his cheeks turns a bit reddish as he looks to his hands.

"I-uh, couldn't sleep so I-uh… Iwenttocheckonyou," he says in one breath and it takes her a second to understand what he was saying.

"You came to check up on me?" she asks to be sure and even though she normally would've felt somewhat violated she actually feel flattered, he genuinely cares about her.

"Well, yeah… if it hadn't been for my book, you wouldn't be a target," he looks down to his hands with guilt written all over him.

She doesn't manage to hide the deep sigh leaving her mouth and she brings her hand up to run through her messy hair.

"We talked about this, Castle. It's not your fault."

"Not my fault he's a killer but Kate… it's my fault he's after _you_," he starts again, ignoring her head shake. "If I hadn't based Nikki Heat on you, or made such a big deal out of shadowing you, then he would've never known it was you. If I hadn't been so enchanted by you I wouldn't have put you in danger. Right now I can't help but wish I hadn't nestled myself into your life."

Kate can tell he's just rambling, not really knowing what he's saying, or admitting, but she can't be more glad than it. She can't stop herself as she's leaning closer to him, her hand landing gently on the jaw he stroked and she's kissing him before anything is stopping her. She feels his surprise and hesitation in the way he quickly pulls away, but before she can get any second thoughts his lips come crashing back onto hers in a frenzied kiss. His tongue seeks permission to enter and she doesn't keep him waiting long, letting their tongues dance together in a dance that felt more familiar than it should.

"Mmm," she's not able to hold in the moan when one of his hands lands on the back of her head, cradling her closer and angling her head in just the right way to kiss her deeper.

"Wait," Castle mumbles against her lips and slows down the kiss, carefully and gently pulling his lips from hers. "As much as I want to do this, I'm not sure you do," he says in a low sincere voice. His blue eyes are searching hers and she feels warmth spread in her chest as her teeth bite into the lower lip still tingling from his lips.

"I do," the blush on her cheeks definitely gives away how much she wants to kiss him again.

"You sure?"

Instead of answering she carefully kisses him again, showing her confidence in the kiss, and he doesn't hesitate this time but starts pushing her back and down. Kate lays down on her back, their lips never faltering, his body pushes into hers as he's laying on top of her. She moans when his tongue reaches hers again, her hands going to his sides to hold onto him. They stay tangled together like this for a couple more minutes before Kate slows down the kiss, Castle not hesitating before he lies down beside her. Kate puts her head on his chest, snuggles in close to him.

"Will you stay?" she asks.

"Of course," he answers, one of his hands coming around her body to hold her close. "I'm not going anywhere."

She feels his lips in her hair and she smiles, closing her eyes. His heartbeat slows at the same rate as hers and it doesn't take long before they're both fast asleep in each other's arms.

* * *

The next morning Castle wakes to the bed being empty and for a second he thinks he's crossed a line, that she's run away to that hotel she talked about. But then he smells the breakfast. Setting his steps down the stairs he finds her in his kitchen, making the most heavenly breakfast he's seen in quite a while. _He_'s always the one making breakfast. This was a nice change, and if played his cards right and moved in the right pace, maybe they could take turns making breakfast. If he was lucky, he'd get the chance to make breakfast alongside with her too. _God, he couldn't wait._

_**THE END**_


End file.
